Writing this, I know I’m going to catch more flak than a guy juggling grenades, but that’s part of what makes the “Furious” part stick in the title of this website.Â The upside is that, in theory, everyone is entitled to their own opinion.Â Below are five films that the sci fi community loves, but I really did not enjoy at all.
I did not, in any way, care for this film.Â In fact, I fell asleep halfway through.Â Those who like “Avatar” like it so much they literally become depressed when they are not spending four hours watching a 3D remake of Ferngully.
I have serious qualms about “Avatar”.Â First off, the whole message is that capitalism and corporations are evil.Â All corporations are truly Satan incarnate.Â Unless, of course, your corporation isÂ movie studio, in which case, do whatever you want.Â Also, please don’t pirate this film, but buy tickets and DVD and Blueray copies.Â Second, everyone threw out all the previous projects this movie was just ripping off; Pocahontas, Ferngully (as mentioned above), and in my eyes, Brad Neely’s “Cat People“.Â And third, Sam Worthington.Â I like Sam.Â I really do.Â However, I can’t stand that every film he makes, he’s a Texan with an Australian accent.Â It just drives me crazy to watch him portray one accent, then slip in a “Shrimp on the barbay, mate!” halfway through the scene.
The Fifth Element
This movie annoys me mostly because of the plot; it feels like Bruce Willis staged a very elaborate scheme to just see Milla Jovovich naked.Â The world it’s set in is the cheesy kind of future where it’s akin to telling school children “In the year 2000 we’ll all have flying cars, jet packs, and ray guns”.Â Except replace “jet packs” with “flying Chinese restaurants”.
The good guy is a cab driver.Â Chris Tucker is an annoying – (sorry, that was redundant) – Chris Tucker is a sort of gay womanizer comic relief…thing.Â The bad guy’s name is “Zorg”.Â No one thinks to give Jovovich a coat.Â Nothing in this film makes sense.
This one rubbed me the wrong way, but honestly, it’s my own fault for not knowing what I was getting myself into.Â I have nothing against the film itself, nor the characters, actors, or anyone involved with the making of the film.Â I did not read the graphic novel before hand, and as a result, heard “Zac Snyder” and “superheroes”, and thought I was in for “300 with Capes”.Â Little did I know that was not the case.
I had no idea this film was going to be so depressing.Â I watch superhero films to escape, to see demigods using their powers for good to try to make a difference.Â Instead, I’m watching capes rape their teammates and kill each other for profit.Â And there’s a three-foot long glowing wang in half the film.Â Not exactly as light hearted and fun, considering how much Burger King, the fast food joint with the funny commercials, was promoting it.Â Again, I didn’t think it was a bad film, I just didn’t enjoy it.
Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home
This one is a bit of stretch for me.Â And I hate to act like my father who, when watching sci fi, picks a trivial thing to scoff at (he felt the jet pack scene was the one thing that was unbelievable about “Kick Ass”), but there is so much I find wrong with this.Â And I know it’s Star Trek, where anything can be possible because Kirk says it is, but really, come on.
It took Doc Brown years to perfect time travel, and the entire frickin’ Enterprise does it on a whim.Â We have a ten minute scene of whales talking.Â WITHOUT subtitles.Â A group of people are able to survive in San Francisco on a hundred bucks.Â Chekov is more fake Russian than usual, with his usual shtick going on for far longer than it should.Â And I’m fairly certain Sulu literally whored himself out to a sailor in exchange for a helicopter.Â As strong as my man crush for Spock is, this film is better suited for an episode of MST3k than a Friday night.
The Lord of the Rings Trilogy
While I recognize that this is really the only great thing Peter Jackson has done (other than lose 500 pounds) and that this is the go to fantasy film, it didn’t do much for me.Â Half the movies are spent with characters walking.Â Walking through forests, rivers, mountains…I think half the weight Jackson lost was lost just watching other people burn calories.Â The other half is men with dark hair holding swords whispering to each other.
It’s never explained why Sauron has a giant burning eyeball (or why he didn’t magic up some eye drops for it), why the elves are totally racist against orcs (who used to be elves), or why Gandalf didn’t lend Frodo the giant eagle to use before going to the volcano, as the Whitest Kids U Know pointed out.
I know how important this movie franchise is to the sci fi/fantasy community, and I get how beloved it is.Â But I just get bored watching it.Â Plus…Orlando Bloom.Â Just Orland Bloom.Â Although, to be fair, they did decide not to show all 1,000 singing scenes the books had.