The 5 Dangers of Pokemon

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Every epic adventure is not without its dangers.  Frodo knew he’d be carrying a ring that would possess him, and that eventually he’d have to deal with a lake of fire.  Luke knew he’d have to fight the space equivalent of Hitler.  Kirk knew there’d be a chance of catching something from that green chick.  But what if the adventure is for a fifteen-year-old nature enthusiast?  With the newest entry into the Pokémon series right around the corner, I’d like to address some concerns I’ve had with choosing the occupation of Pokémon trainer.

Fighting Wild Animals

Zapdos

An old man in a lab coat tells you that the only way to gain information on species the scientific community already knows about is to wander around empty fields, forests, caves, and open bodies of water, fight untamed wild beasts, and then capture them.  The role you are playing in this famed RPG series is a tween from a one horse town, not a professional animal tamer from a zoo or circus.  Factor in Legendary types, which can be five feet tall, weigh 116 lbs. and have powerful forms of attack, and the professors are just asking for the kid to be mauled to death in an area no one would think to look for them.

Dying from the Décor in Gyms

Blackthorn Gym, poke gym

To prove you are the best trainer, you have to go through what feels like a heavy metal Boy Scout task; get badges from defeating really powerful animals that are commanded by Michael Vick-like athletes called “Gym Leaders”.  And while you won’t find treadmills or free weights, what you will find in the gyms are bottomless cliffs, lava, giant Tesla cords, and large moving cogs.  It’s like J.R.R. Tolkien was an interior designer.  And while the game does not allow your character to be harmed from any of this, OSHA would shut these places down in seconds.

Team Rocket

While Team Rocket (and Magma, Aqua and Jacob for that matter) is without a doubt the lamest crime organization that has ever existed, imagine if you had to fight a real crime syndicate.  Do you really think they’d let you continue just because you bested them at a Pokémon battle?  “Oh, darn, I’m out of usable Pokémon.  Guess I’ll let you just go ruin our plans…”  No.  That kid would either be held for ransom, or be shot in the face.  Just imagine if you had to stop the Mexican

Drug cartels; you’d be forced to watch your Charmander being decapitated, and your Jynx be turned into a concubine.

Trigger Happy Cops

There you are, leveling up your team before the big show down at the local gym, training just outside the town’s entrance.  Night falls.  As you decide it’d be a good time to go heal up at the Pokécenter, a cop shines his flashlight right in your eyes and before you know it, he’s commanded his Growlithe to attack you.  There was no asking for ID, no reading of Miranda Rights.  Just a face full of fiery dog breath as he’s told to take you down.  Now is definitely not the time to be in possession of certain “stat boosting” items.

Experimental Items

From time to time a large Apple-like company will give you an item that has not been tested yet.  And while it may be infinitely useful, such as allowing one to physically see ghosts who are haunting an indoor graveyard several stories tall, they never mention any risks involved.  We’re concerned about the effects cell phones have on brains, and now you’re given a device to place on your eyeball.  Or a handheld device that emits waves to find hidden items.  A radar to find wild animals that don’t want to be found.  I’m seeing now why these companies don’t have a testing department.

Also, extremely potent medicine may be needed to save a NPC Pokémon who has fallen ill.  What if the impressionable young character decided to try some?  Prescription pills are all the rage right now with middle schoolers.  I’m thinking at some point an adult supervisor would have been a good idea to accompany our hero.  And I don’t just mean that weird guy with the sunglasses and beard at the entrance of every gym.  I’m thinking he just lost his van.

FURIOUSFANBOYS Writer
FURIOUSFANBOYS Writer